The Last Face I Want To See
by Lanie M
Summary: [Shounen ai, RuHana] Rukawa falls into a coma and Sakuragi's life falls into shreds. What will become of him? [Completed with total of 9 chapters]


Notes: *cough cough* ^_^" Konnichi wa, minna... *shivers* This is my first fanfic ever, so if you're planning to read this then please be well-prepared...it's really crap, and I know it is....heh....To be honest, even though I'm aiming to go into novel-writing in the future...(-_-" I'm crap though)...I see myself as more of a reader of SD fics than a writer of them..but my *sensei* told me, as well as most of my friends..that if I'm going to give up on writing my current novel, which believe me - I was forced to..too many setbacks if you know what I mean..heh..-_- ~ then I have to keep practicing writing..and since the SD boys are so alive in my mind..hehe..I guess they're the best things to write about right now? + I always wanted to contribute to the world of SD-fandom… ^_^ hehe…so here's my first fanfic…

It's yaoi..and Ruhana…I don't know how many fanfics I've read that are Ruhana so I got influenced I suppose..hehe.. ^_~ Actually, I would label my fic more of a shounen-ai fic..because it's about love and has nothing even mildly hentai..thank god..hehe..I can't stand that stuff… *shiver*

_Umm…I gotta say..please have mercy on me if the story's just unbearably crap…-_-" Please send me comments and criticism to tell me what's wrong with it..even though I pretty much know what is…hehe…_

_Written in first person, because that's the only way I know how to write..^_^" + Maybe Sakuragi's way too OOC…I dunno, but I guess he changed or something…err..just read it and judge it for yourself! Haha.. ^.^_

_Hope you enjoy it! *bows*****_

**_~_**_Lanie _

**One**

It looks like he's sleeping.  His raven hair showering over his eyes, his thick eyelashes matted and sealed, his chest rising and falling gently and his mouth slightly open.  He sleeps just the way he used to in the days where he would fall asleep on his bike, after practice, in class, anywhere.  He sleeps in exactly the same way.  The only difference is that now he won't wake up.

The doctors say that he can hear us.  That he can hear us when we talk to him, that talking to him might help wake him up somehow.  The only problem is that I don't know what to say anymore.

I never imagined that there would be a day that I would as speechless as this, that I would be so quiet, so silent, so still.  But then again, I never imagined that there would be a day that I would actually be sitting here, watching him like this, feeling so utterly lost just watching what he has become. I'm losing myself.  I can't put together who I used to be and who I am now anymore.

Some days are worse than others.  Some days I come in and sit beside him, and just by looking at him, a stinging knife twists in my heart and I find myself with my head buried in his hands, crying uncontrollably and saying things that I never thought I could bring myself to say.  Some days I feel like hitting him so hard, hitting him out of this sleep that he won't wake up from, cursing him with more venomous insults than those I threw at him before this, hitting him because of what he's turned my life into - a pointless existence where all I want to do, all I want to see, all I want to feel ... is him.  And some days are like today, where I don't know what to do, where I don't know what to say, where I simply stare and stare at him and don't know how to stand up and walk away.  I don't understand.  I don't understand any of this.  

Someone tell me what I'm feeling, because ... I don't understand.  Someone tell me why I'm feeling this way for anyone ... let alone him.

And now I'm staring at him, his motionless fingers, his pale skin, and I wish more than ever, with every ounce of energy in my body, that I could hear that monotonous voice of his one more time, that I could hear him say, "Do'aho" just one more time.

How long has it been?  In my mind it's been forever.  But on the medical record it's been three months.  Three months of these incomprehensible emotions.  Three months of this hurt, this pain stabbing at my heart and breaking me down bit by bit.  But I can't break free from this.  I just can't bring myself to let go. Why?  Why am I going through all this for .... him? 

I don't know anymore.  I don't know anything anymore.  I only know that I'd give anything to hear his soft voice again, to see his blue blue eyes again. 

Am I waiting for that day to come? I don't know if I'm waiting for him, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I just know that my life's been torn apart since he became  this...this vegetable person. I just know that I don't know how to carry on anymore.  I just know that I'm...tired.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse at myself from the outside and I feel like laughing.  I'm supposed to shrug everything off, tell everyone that I'm invincible, that there's nothing I can't do, that I'm a genius, tensai Sakuragi.  But now I'm here, stranded, stuck, feeling my heart wither away with this motionless body in front of me, this beautiful but frozen being who I don't know whether is alive or dead.  

How did it become like this?  When did he become so able to influence me, so capable of turning my life upside down?  When did he become the one who could put such a deep ache in my heart, such a painful longing in my soul, such a stinging bitterness in my body...when did he become the one that I simply can't live without?

And now I feel so incomprehendibly cold, rooted, confused... I close my eyes and try to breathe.  I can feel a waterfall of tears run down my face and neck once again, but I can't bring myself to wipe them away because my hands are frozen, trembling stiffly, holding persistently onto his body and willing for him to wake up.  I'm crying...again.  I'm crying yet again ... for him. 

I hate to admit it, but I miss him.  I hate myself for admitting it, but I miss him.

I have so much to say to him.  But yet I can't bring myself to say it. I can't bring myself to tell him how much I miss him, how much I miss his presence in my life, even if it appeared as nothing but violence and contempt ... just that I miss him, more than I ever thought I could miss anyone in this world and this life.

I can feel myself shaking uncontrollably, wheezing from too many tears.  I feel so... ashamed.  I feel so ... pathetic.  But yet this emptiness inside me keeps pushing my tears forward, and before I know it, I'm crying so much it's beyond my control.

Since when did he have the power to hurt me so much?  Since when did I ever hurt this much?  

God, this hurts .... my heart ... everything hurts ...

Something rests lightly on my shoulder.  I open my eyes in alarm and hesitate.

"Kitsune?" I whisper.  Could it be ... could it be him?  Could he be ... awake?

I look up hopefully, as quickly as I can manage, and trace my eyes over Rukawa's face ... to find nothing but disappointment.  He's still asleep, his eyes sealed tightly shut, his silky hair like a black halo cushioning his head.  He isn't awake.

"Sakuragi?" I hear a voice question, a mellow voice drenched with sincere concern.  It's a voice I recognize.  

I try to wipe my tears away before I turn around to meet the worried stare of Kogure.

"Megane-kun..." I cough to clear my breathless voice.  

"I thought I might see you here..." he says.

He walks over and stands beside Rukawa.

"Konnichi wa, Rukawa-kun," he smiles at Rukawa, shaking his limp hand lightly as if he was actually conscious.  "it's Kogure here.  The rest of the guys couldn't make it today...gomen nasai.  Anyway, I've come to visit you instead."

I don't look at Kogure.  He saw me crying.  Crying with my head on Rukawa's arm.  After all my efforts to try and avoid seeing any of the guys from Shohoku here at the hospital, I actually let him see me crying just now.  How stupid.  I turn away, feeling ashamed and lost.  I don't know how I'm supposed to act.  I feel stuck between who I have become and who I used to be.  I remain silent.

But somehow, Kogure doesn't let an unnerving silence get between us.  He sits down in the chair opposite the bed, and looks at me with eyes full of vague understanding.

"You haven't turned up at basketball practice for months," he begins. "we're all worried.  What happened, Sakuragi?"

I look away from Kogure.  How am I supposed to answer? What am I supposed to tell you, Megane-kun? That I can no longer look at a basketball without thinking of Rukawa, without feeling this unbearable ache in my heart? That I can't do anything anymore, that I don't know how to carry on, simply because he's not here with me anymore?  That I .... that I can't just go on without him?

"Shohoku can't cope without the tensai..." Kogure continues, trying to get me to talk.

I still don't know what to say.  The truth is that the tensai can't cope without the kitsune.  But when even I don't understand the truth, how will you? 

How did things become like this?  I hate myself for becoming so weak, for thinking these pathetic things and feeling these abnormal emotions.  I hate him, I hate him for leaving me like this and turning my life into such a disastrous nightmare.

And suddenly I feel an explosive hatred arising inside me layer by layer, ticking and about to explode like a time bomb.

"What's wrong, Sakuragi?" Kogure leans forward and asks me.  "What's wrong? Tell me, please..." I can feel his sincere concern through the tone of his voice and the expression in his eyes, but it's too late.  The time bomb in me has already exploded.

"You tell me!" I yell, springing up and out of my seat. "You tell me what's wrong with me!"

And the next thing I know, there are tears running down my face once again. 

I rub the tears away from my cheeks with the tips of my fingers and shove them in front of Kogure's face.

"Ha!" I laugh sarcastically, gesticulating to try and control this burning pain inside my heart, this nauseous sensation making me feel like I might burst. "ha! Look! The great tensai is crying!  Crying!!! And for what? For that!"

I point violently in the direction of Rukawa, still lying motionless with his eyes shut.  Looking at him just makes me want to run back and hold onto him again, to cry on his arm until all my tears run dry. I look away, tears still running irrepressibly down my cheeks.

"For that damn kitsune! For that stupid ..." I trail off.  I can't talk anymore, because I can hardly breathe anymore.  I can only hear myself wheezing with an unstoppable flow of tears.  I slip down onto the floor and kneel there, afraid to look up at Kogure, afraid to look up at Rukawa, afraid to do anything anymore, afraid to go on..to go on without him.

"Why.." I sob, my head in my hands and my voice wavering like a woman's. "why does this hurt ... so much ... Why ... kitsune ..."

Kogure kneels down next to me and puts his hand on my arm.  There's something about him, something about him that gives people the impression that he has all the answers.  But still I can't stop crying.  How will I ever face Kogure again? How will I face Ryocchin, Micchy, Gori, Youhei,...Haruko-san.... and everyone else at Shohoku? I can't face them.  I feel so ashamed...

"Sakuragi," I hear Kogure say. "don't go looking for the answers..."

I look up at him, frowning, confused.  I don't understand.  I don't understand anything  anymore.  

"...searching too much only makes you hurt more..."

Kogure stands up and pulls me up as well.  He stares at me, then at sleeping Rukawa, then back at me again.

"There are no answers..." he says softly, adjusting his glasses.  "there are no answers to the questions you're asking."

I watch Kogure as he turns and bends down to get something out of his bag.  How can there not be answers?  As long as there are questions, there are answers.  How can there not be answers?  I don't understand.

I never knew that life could just stand still like this.  I never knew it was possible to feel so hopelessly empty, to think so much about one person that it aches, to yearn for someone so much that it hurts.  But it's possible.  And I hate the fact that it was this stupid kitsune, this block of ice, that taught me how much it can hurt to be without someone that ... that you just can't seem to live without.

Kogure turns back around briskly and I can see that he's holding a basketball in his hands.  He tosses it up lightly and smiles.

"I've brought you a gift, Rukawa," he exclaims, walking over to the bed where Rukawa is lying lifelessly.  "a gift from the whole team."  I watch him as he places the basketball underneath one of Rukawa's arms and taps it loudly. 

"Wake up and get back to work, super rookie!" he laughs, tapping Rukawa gently on the head. "Shohoku needs you!"

And then Kogure looks back at me, smiling encouragingly as if saying silently, "That goes for you too.."

He pats me on the back, slings his bag back over his shoulder, looks straight into my eyes and says, in a firm voice full of certainty, "Have hope, be strong, and start again.  Never give up." And with that, he walks out of the hospital room.

I sit back down in my seat next to Rukawa, reflecting on what Kogure said. "...searching too much only makes you hurt more..." Is he asking me not to ask why I'm feeling this way ... because of Rukawa, but just accept it? 

I stare at Rukawa, at this lifeless but still beautiful form of Rukawa.  He is beautiful...so beautiful that it hurts.  I shake my head immediately and look away from him.  What kind of thoughts are these?  Even he wouldn't accept them.  How am I supposed to?  How can anyone, for that matter?

"..there are no answers to the questions you're asking." All questions must have an answer.  I don't understand what all of this means.  Someone tell me, please, because I don't understand.

And before I know what I'm doing, my fingers are slowly brushing his hair away from his eyes, my sharp tears falling hard onto his frozen skin.

"Kitsune..." I breathe, trying to hold back my tears but not succeeding.  "not only Shohoku needs you..."

"I do too....the do'aho does too...more than anything...so wake up...please..."

Notes:  Corny? ^_^" I hope not..

_Can you feel the pain?  Well, I intended to make the reader feel the pain somehow…hehe…even if you just feel a little bit…_

_Continue if you want to… ^_^_

**Two**

I open my eyes and look around me.  A sharp pain jabs my back and I get up from my hunched position.  I look down at Rukawa, still not awake, still with his eyes closed, lying here in front of me.  I rub my eyes and flick my ruffled hair away.  I fell asleep here last night.  I fell asleep next to him again.

How many nights have I been doing this for?  Falling asleep next to him, I mean.  How many nights have I done this?  Even I have lost count.  I sigh heavily.  Why am I doing this anyway?  Why am I here?  I don't even know why I'm here anymore.

I feel so tired.  Tired of waiting for something to happen.  Tired of waiting for my life to go on the way it used to.  Tired ... tired of waiting for him to wake up.

My watch reads 8:15.  The world hasn't stopped yet.  Though my world has, the world outside hasn't stopped yet.  And life just seems to drag on.

I stand up and turn around to pick up my coat, stuffed messily on a chair nearby.  I need to get going now, I think.  I need to go to school.    

At the beginning of this way of life I just couldn't bring myself to just go to school like I used to.  At the beginning getting on with anything was impossible because I couldn't stand to be away from him.  Away from this cement-still version of him, even though I always knew he was no longer here with me.  But now I'm getting used to it.  Getting used to going back to school, used to drifting away during lessons, used to staying silent and not knowing what to say to anyone anymore, used to having my mind occupied with nothing but endless images of him, used to having nothing matter except running back here after school and just sitting here, just watching him, used to falling asleep next to him and going through the whole cycle again day after day.  I'm getting used to this.  I'm getting used to this longing and emptiness transforming me into someone completely different, someone no longer carefree and proud, someone no longer childish, naive, and loud-mouthed - someone who is already ... half dead inside.

I need to get going now, I think.  I stand by the side of Rukawa's bed and I touch his arm lightly with my fingers, not uttering a word but just watching his chest rising and falling ever so slightly, watching him in this deadly but yet so peaceful sleep.  And this twisting hurt in my heart while I'm watching him like this makes it so hard for me to tear myself away from him.  But I tell myself that I need to.  That I need to get going now.  That, like every other morning, I need to go to school now.

I wonder if he acknowledges my presence with him.  I wonder if he acknowledges this way I say goodbye every single morning, this only way of saying goodbye that I can manage without bursting into tears all over again.  This goodbye that I've passed on to him day after day.  I wonder if he knows.  I wonder if he can feel it.  But I don't want to wonder anymore.  I don't want to stare at him anymore.  I don't want to feel so tired anymore.

My fingers touch his icy skin gently for one last time this morning before I tear my eyes away from him, turn away and walk out of the room.

It's getting so cold outside.  Maybe even colder than his skin.  I shiver and quicken my pace.

The Sakura blossoms are falling all over the place.  Scattered carelessly all over the road ahead of me, trailing persistently along with the wind as if joined by some kind of invisible string of white-pink.  There is still beauty in this world, after all.

I wish ... I wonder what he would think if he were here to see this.  He would probably not think anything of this at all.  It would probably be too girlish to think highly of autumn flowers for him.  I look down once again, ashamed.  If he knew what I was thinking ... if he knew what he has become to me ... 

I blink and shake my head.  I don't want to think about that.  I don't want to think about him anymore.  I don't want to ... I don't want to think anymore.

I sigh once again.  I feel ... so tired.  So, so tired.

I close my eyes but continue with my footsteps.  One foot in front of the other; left, right, left, right... That's right, concentrate on your footsteps, Hanamichi...that way you won't think about him...that way life won't be so endlessly tiring...

"Oi! Hanamichi!"

I stop and turn around slowly.  Youhei is running towards me with a smile on his face.

Am I supposed to smile back?  Kami-sama...I..I can't smile anymore...

"Hi!" I hear Youhei say, standing beside me and slowing his pace into a walk.  

My footsteps automatically follow as well.

"Hi." I nod a brief greeting, then look back down at my feet.  

I can see Youhei looking at me at the corner of my eye.  He's looking at me with eyes like Kogure's yesterday - eyes of worry, eyes of concern.  Do they know?  Do they know what's happening to me?  Do they know that I'm ... dying inside?  Do they know ... do they know that I miss him so much that I can't breathe?

Actually I don't know if anyone knows.  I just know that there's something wrong with me.  I just know that nothing ... nothing will ever be the same again.

Youhei isn't speaking.  He's tried, on many occasions before this.  I remember.  I remember vaguely - he's tried to get me to speak to him.  But, it's useless.  I've lost my ability to speak the way I used to.  I've lost the ability to live the way I used to.  And I hate myself for it.  

"Hanamichi." Youhei stops abruptly in his footsteps.

I stop as well, and I turn to face him.  I can feel his firm stare burning into me.

"Hanamichi," he says, forcing me to look back at him.  "this has been going on for months now."

I can see a hint of reckless determination in Youhei's eyes. 

This?  What do you mean - this?

"What do you mean?" I reply softly.  

I hear my own voice at that moment.  It's changed.  It's become lower, deeper, flatter, colder.  I'm changing.  I'm ... dying inside.

Now Youhei looks worried.  It shows on his face, in his body language as he moves closer to me.  Just like the worry that radiated off Kogure yesterday.

I'm sorry, everyone.  But I just ... I just can't carry on like I used to.  Nothing will ever be the same again.  Why doesn't anyone understand that?  No one understands.

I feel like crying but I swallow my tears down.  I can't cry.  I can't cry for that ... for that kitsune.  I can't cry for that kitsune anymore.

"We..." Youhei begins hesitantly, putting his hand on my shoulder.  "we don't know what's happening to you, Hanamichi.  But, you've changed."

I've changed.  I know that I've changed.  Everything's changed.  Can't you see that?  Can't you see that, Youhei, you amongst all the other people in this world who are blind to the truth?  Can't you see that?  You've always seen what I see.  But now even you don't understand.

What is wrong with me?  How come no one understands?  Someone come and tell me, because I really ... I really really don't understand.  And I'm ... so tired.

"I've changed?" I say.

Youhei doesn't move.  

"You...you have to tell us what's wrong, Hanamichi.  Because...we're all worried...very worried about you."

At this point I look straight back at Youhei, hoping that something in my eyes can explain it all.  He was always the person who understood everything about me.  But this time, it doesn't seem like that.  Everything's changed.

I shrug his hand off my shoulder and attempt to walk away.  What am I supposed to say?  I don't know anymore.  When even your best friend can't understand you, what are you supposed to do?

"You don't have to worry about me." I mumble, turning away and looking ahead of me at the falling Sakura blossoms drifting with the autumn breeze.  

And I wish, for once, that I was a Sakura blossom, free to fly, free to escape, free from life and this terrible pain that never lets go of my heart whenever I think of - him.  I can feel tears brimming at the side of my eyes.  But it doesn't matter.  Youhei can't see my tears anyway.

"What's wrong, Hanamichi?" Youhei raises his voice.  "What is wrong?"

And suddenly he's standing right in front of me, alarmed at the sight of these tears running uncontrollably down my face.

"Kuso.." I wipe my tears away as quickly as possible.

But it's useless.  The tears just keep on coming.  I hate myself.  I hate this.

"Hanamichi.." Youhei lowers his voice now, as if he can feel my pain somehow.  

I look up at him, this huge pain still grabbing and ripping at my heart as countless images of Rukawa continue to attack my mind.  I miss him.  I miss him...so, so much.

"Tell me....tell me what's wrong..."

And now I'm weeping again.  What a wimp. I don't want to cry.  But I can't stop myself.  I can't stop myself from voicing these disgraceful thoughts of mine.  

How will I ever face Youhei again?  How will I ever face Kogure again?  I can't believe this.  I hate myself.  I hate what I've become.

"You tell me, Youhei... because, I don't understand ..."

Youhei moves towards me now.  Where are we?  I don't even know anymore. 

"I don't understand...why this hurts...so much...so, so much..."

"Hanamichi, is it...is it Rukawa?" Youhei's voice is hesitant, yet there is some kind of certainty in it, something that seems to say that he already knows somehow.

At the sound of his name I find it even more difficult to breathe.  And still the tears won't stop pouring from my eyes, tumbling down my cheeks and my neck.  And still I feel so incomprehensibly cold ... so incomprehensibly lost ... just because he's not here.  He's just not here anymore.

"I..." I feel my knees giving way and I'm kneeling on the ground once again.  

How did I become so helplessly weak?

"I hate to admit it...but I miss him...."

Youhei isn't speaking.  My sight is completely blurred by tears, so I can't see his reaction now.  But he's silent.  Silence.  That is all.

"..I hate myself for admitting it...but ...I miss him....so, so much..."

And all I can feel now is Youhei's silence and my head resting on his shoulder, his hand patting my back; all I can feel now is this pain washing over me as all I can see when I close my eyes is that beautiful kitsune face, those piercing sea-blue eyes, and all I can hear is that voice ringing in my ears, the only thing that I would give anything to hear right now, that familiar, soft, monotonous "Do'aho" that I know so well and miss so much.

_Notes: This is where I feel like I've given the idea of a way too OOC Sakuragi…-_-" err…if I have..then hontou ni gomen nasai…because I suppose I couldn't do any better…?! *to herself* Well, Sakuragi's supposed to be all depressed and stuff…so he has the reason to change, right? *__looks up* ^_^" err…yeah..well…comments?_

_And about Youhei…don't get the wrong idea..Youhei's always been a really good friend to Sakuragi, don't ya think? ^_^ hehe…_

**Three**

"We're here." I hear Youhei announce.

I look up.  We're here, at Shohoku.  It took forever to even get here.  

As usual, the world outside doesn't seem to have changed.  The familiar chattering of couples and groups walking into school attacks my ears.  But as usual, I still feel so ... empty.  

A long time ago, I was a part of this.  It seems like ancient history now.  I was a part of this high-spirited, carefree youth that made a loud entrance into school every morning, laughing and nudging and fooling around.  I used to be part of this.  But now I'm not part of anything anymore.

I move my gaze over to Youhei.  What is he thinking?  What does he think of me now? I can't bear to imagine how pathetic I am in his eyes.

But then he turns back to look at me, and his eyes shine with a type of sad understanding that I feel so profoundly comforted by.  It's been so long.  It's been so long since I've known how nice it is to have a chat with Youhei, with this true friend that's always been here.  And ... and something about him makes me trust him again.  Somehow, I don't feel pathetic in his eyes anymore.

"Youhei..." I start, my voice trembling mildly. "...I'm sorry..."

Youhei smiles - a smile hiding some type of sympathy.  He knows that I don't like being sympathized with.  He still remembers.  And I wonder if he knows how deeply grateful I am to have a friend like him.

"You never need to say sorry, Hanamichi.." he answers. 

I try smiling back at him, but somehow, I just can't smile anymore.

"I should be sorry," he continues, sighing deeply.  "I should ... I should have known."

I shake my head briskly.

"Iya," I say, waving my hand in dismissal.  "it's my fault for being so ... so weak."

Youhei frowns now.  

"Don't do that to yourself," his voice is stern, serious. "don't hurt yourself like that, Hanamichi."

Hurt myself? What do you mean? 

But I don't question him.  I just nod briefly and look ahead.  

We walk into school without a word, side by side.

"Sakuragi Hanamichi!"

From a distance I hear someone calling my name.  Someone nudges me hurriedly in the back.

I blink myself back into reality and look around me.  At the front of the classroom Sensei is growling, fuming from his ears.  Everyone around me is staring intently, expectantly, waiting for my reaction.  I still don't know what's going on.

"What a great honour!" 

Sensei gesticulates sarcastically, but I can hear the venomous infuriation seeping from his every syllable.

"What a great honour, Mr. Sakuragi, for you to tune back into my lesson!"

He glares at me, waiting for an answer.  I stay still, speechless, emotionless.

I drifted off again.  I drifted off during a lesson once again.  This must be about the hundredth time that this has happened.  How do I do it?  I don't even know.  I guess my brain just shuts down.

"What's the matter -" Sensei hisses, leaning forward with narrowed eyes. "cat got your tongue?"

I blink again.  What do I say?

"TALK TO ME, BOY!" Sensei is practically screaming now.

"Sumimasen, sensei." I mutter dutifully.  That's what I'm supposed to say, isn't it?

Sensei sighs deeply and mumbles something under his breath.  I can imagine him inhaling fire out of his nostrils.  He turns back to the blackboard and continues scribbling down lines that I can't be bothered to try and read.

How did things become like this?  I think.  I can't think.  All I can think of is him.

Is this what people mean when they say that you never know how much you need something until it's gone?

I need to see his ice-blue eyes.  I need to hear his stone-cold voice.  I need to watch him tossing a ball into a hoop as if all his hopes and dreams are inside that very ball.  I need to feel him here, alive, present in my world.  I need him.

I don't hate him.  At least I don't think I do.  What is hate anyway?  Can you hate someone because of all the lonely nights spent thinking of nothing but them?  Can you hate someone because you don't understand why they can capture all your attention?  Can you hate someone because that's the only way you can get a chance to understand more about them?

I'm supposed to hate him.  But I don't hate him at all.  Instead I ... I don't even know what I feel for him anymore.

I don't want to think about what these feelings for him are.  I'm scared of what they might be.  I don't want them to be...what I think they are.

Could it be...? Am I ... gay?

I can't be gay.  That's not possible.  I can't.  I simply can't be.  I don't want to be.

I'm so ... tired.  All this is making me ... so, so tired.

Stupid kitsune! I don't want to think about you anymore! So why is it so hard for me to let go ... for me to carry on without you? It's all your fault! It's all your fault that I'm ... that I'm dying inside.  It's all your fault that I ... miss you so much.

And suddenly everyone's standing up and walking out of the classroom, talking and laughing with their friends about what they're going to do during the weekend.  These people have lives worth living.  I used to.  I don't anymore.

I'm still sitting down.  If I'm not mistaken, the bell has just rang.  It's break now.  But it doesn't matter, does it?  It doesn't matter.

Youhei pulls up a chair and sits down next to me.  I look down immediately.  I don't feel like talking, Youhei.  I don't feel like doing anything.  Don't you understand?  Can't you see what I am, what I'm becoming?  

I'm ... gay.

Youhei is silent once again, just watching me.  I don't know what to say.

"Sakuragi!" 

It isn't Youhei's voice.  There are two voices now, coming from outside the classroom.

I look up to see Mitsui and Ryota standing by the door, pointing at me.  My eyes widen in surprise.  They've never come to look for me like this.  They're from a different part of school.  So why are they here?

"Micchy?" I wonder out loud.  "Ryocchin?"

I only realize now how long I haven't seen them or spoken to them.  The days when I actually went to basketball practice have been long gone.  The days when I actually touched a basketball seem so far away.  Those days seem like a totally different reality compared to the one I'm living in now.

I watch Mitsui and Ryota walking over to me, their footsteps hasty and purposeful, their stares fixed and determined.  It only takes a few seconds before they are next to me, Mitsui holding my arm on one side, Ryota holding my arm on the other.  And before I realize what is happening, they're hurling me up from my seat and out of the classroom.

"Nan da..?" I manage to squeal. "What...what are you doing?"

Ryota looks at me from the corner of his eye but doesn't smirk like I was expecting him to.  I glance over at Mitsui on the other side, but he looks just as serious.

"Where...where are you taking me?" I choke.

I try to pull back but Mitsui and Ryota both pull me forward again, arousing the alarmed stares of the chattering students standing in the busy corridor.  What...what is going on?  

"How about some basketball, Hanamichi." Ryota says, in more of an order than a request.

"You're coming to practice with us." Mitsui announces.

Practice?  Basketball?  

"But..." I panic.  I don't want to play basketball.  Not without ... him.

"No buts!" Mitsui and Ryota insist in unison, both turning to stare at me.

"I can't..." I resist under my breath.

But they aren't listening to me.  They're pulling me along this corridor that I recognize so well, and they're pushing me into this gym that is so painfully familiar it makes me want to cry.

I stand, frozen, rooted to the spot, by endless memories of the past.

How many words we exchanged inside the recesses of this hall.  Yes, they were cruel words, insults ... but they were still words.  How many times our skin had touched here.  Yes, they were punches, kicks, blows of anger ... but our skin had still touched.  

I miss him.  I miss the times that we would see each other here.  God, I miss him.

I can't do this.  I can't do this.  I don't want to be here.

I spin around and try to walk straight out of the gym.

But a high voice behind me holds me back.

"Sakuragi-kun." 

I don't turn back.  I feel too ashamed to face her.  Haruko-san.

I hear her light footsteps approaching me slowly from behind.

"Do you remember what you said to me during the Sannoh match?"

The Sannoh match.  I remember that match.  It seems like centuries ago.

"'I like it a lot.  And this time I'm not lying.'"

I said that, didn't I?  I remember saying that.

"That's what you said.  And you meant it, Sakuragi-kun."

I still mean it, Haruko-san.  It's just that, I can't bring myself to play anymore.

I don't want to turn around.  I'm afraid of what she might see in me.  But I do all the same.

She's holding a basketball in her hands, and it looks like she has tears in her eyes.

"You meant it." She looks down at the basketball now, stares at it absently, then looks back up at me.  "Then why ... why are you giving up now?"

Why am I giving up? Because ... because of something that I don't understand.  Because I...because he....

I remain speechless, motionless.  All I want to do is say sorry, turn and leave.  But now I see all these familiar faces around me and somehow I don't feel like going away yet.  I miss this.  I miss being a part of this.

"Do you remember..." 

This time it's a voice from behind Haruko-san, a deep, stern voice.  

I haven't heard that voice for ages either.  I look into the distance.  Gori.

"Do you remember, Sakuragi," he begins, trudging towards me, frowning.  "do you remember your first match?  Your first dunk?  Your first jump shot?  Or have you forgotten all this?"

I close my eyes feebly.  Stop, please.  I don't want to remember.  I don't want to remember anymore.  But they won't stop.

"Do you remember all the hope you gave us, Sakuragi?" Kogure's voice cuts in.  "All the hope you gave us so many times, when we thought we were losing?"

Stop, please.  Everyone.  It ... hurts.

"Do you remember our amazing alleyhoop, Hanamichi?" 

It's Ryocchin.  It's Ryocchin, sounding more solemn than the time where he confessed his feelings about Ayako when I first met him.  Stop, Ryocchin.  I'm not used to you being so serious.  

"Remember - tensai?"

"Have you forgotten all this, Sakuragi?" 

Mitsui nudges me softly, forcing me to open my eyes again.  He's staring at me just as solemnly as everyone else in the gym.

"Have you given up all this?  If you give up just like this, then you're much worse than what I used to be."

So many voices attacking me.  Yet the one most important voice is missing.  

How can I not give up?  This is too much for me to stand.  How can you people just go on when he's no longer here?

I wish I could tell them everything.  But ... that would just scare them off.

I'm so tired.  So tired of all this.

I miss him, don't you understand?  Every single corner of this hall reflects images of him, echoes sounds that he once made, moves that he once pulled off.  And I can't stay here without thinking of him, don't you understand?  I can't just stand here like this without feeling like breaking down.

I can feel stinging tears blurring my vision once again but I try desperately to blink them away.  I can't be seen crying like this.  

"Why, Sakuragi?" Gori raises his voice.  "Why are you giving up?"

"Do you know..." Haruko-san continues.  "...that you really are...a tensai, Sakuragi-kun?"

I can feel my body beginning to tremble.  I need to get out of here, before they see me, before they see this shameful side of me, this wimpish side of me that I hate so much.  I get ready to make a run for the doors.

But all of a sudden, a basketball is bounced into my hands.  I stare down at it, spellbound.  I can feel the rough dimples of the ball underneath my fingers.  I miss this feeling.  How long has it been since I last held a basketball like this?

"You can't, Hanamichi," Ryota insists, moving towards me.  "we won't let you.  You can't just throw away your talent like that."

"We will not let you give up." Mitsui adds, standing next to Ryota.

I look around me, tears barely hanging onto the sides of my eyes.  These were my team mates.  It seems like ... like they still are.  And that, combined with the fact that he's no longer here right now, is tearing my heart in two, is breaking me down inside, more than ever.

They all have their eyes on me.  Yet they still don't know the truth.

"I'm sorry," I whisper shakily, swallowing back my tears. "but I can't."

And with that, I let go of the basketball, turn, and run as quickly as I can out of the gym, hiding the tears that are now running unstoppably down the sides of my face, releasing tiny particles of the suffocating pain that has now latched onto my heart.

I'm running down the street now, running along this street that I must have been down hundreds of times, running as fast as I can towards the direction of the hospital, running against the chilling autumn breeze and the drifting Sakura blossoms that are so unsuitably beautiful.

I'm so tired.  I'm so tired of this pain, of this hiding.  I'm so tired of this.

But yet the only solid thing that occupies my mind at this moment is him.

"Kitsune..." I hear myself sobbing inaudibly.  "kitsune...please...

"save me, please .... wake up...."

Notes: -_- … hmm…I haven't thought seriously enough about what the Shohoku team knows…like, do they know why Sakuragi's not playing ball anymore?  Originally I was thinking that they would have gotten the hints…like…'first Rukawa goes and then Sakuragi? Hmm..what's going on between them?' …But now I'm not too sure…I don't know…. _ I don't know… *****sigh*** **sorry guys..I guess I am a crappy writer.. -_-" 

**Four**

I stand still, leaning against the open door, just gazing at him, still asleep as usual.  I'm not crying anymore.  Some days are like this - days when I see him and my tears stop running somehow, days when the mere sight of him makes everything all right for a while.

Do you know how beautiful you are, kitsune?  You don't, do you? Do you know how scared I am?  Scared that you might never wake up, that I might never see your amazing eyes again, that I might never hear your voice again, that my life will never go back to what it used to be, that I'll never hear what you think about me and I'll never know who I am anymore.  Do you know how scared I am?  Scared that you might wake up, that I'll never get a chance to be this close to you ever again, that you'll realize what you mean to me and you'll edge away, that you'll never talk to me or even look at me again?  Do you know how scared I am?  You don't know, do you?

I tread towards him slowly and kneel beside him, and almost instinctively, my hand grasps his.  What does it matter?  I don't even know if he can even feel me holding onto him right now.

"Can you hear me, kitsune?" I breathe desperately. "Can you hear me?"

Deep inside me I'm begging, begging so desperately and helplessly that this fervent desperation overcomes all the shame I have against this pathetic wimp I have become.  Please wake up, please....

I watch his lack of reaction in silence.  First comes the pain.  A sharp jab right in the centre of my heart which makes my stomach churn and my legs quiver madly.  Second comes the confusion.  A whirlpool of confusion and frustration while watching him like this - why is this happening?  How did my life become like this, a life that now revolves completely around him?  Why him?  Why is this happening to me?  Why won't he wake up?  Why can't things go my way just for once? Third comes the anger.  A cauldron of boiling anger inside me rising with the screaming silence around me telling me that he won't wake up, no matter how much I kneel like this and humiliate myself, he still won't wake up.  

And now all these conflicting emotions inside me suddenly erupt and explode, and I find myself saying things and doing things that don't make any sense at all.

"Wake up!" I yell, my ears burning in rage, but yet my cheeks growing moist with tears that sting with pain and weariness.  "Wake up, now!"

And without realizing I step up and shove him, quite lightly though, trying to force him to wake up.  But still his eyes remain sealed.

"I tried to wake you up..." I continue, my voice shrill and piercing. "I disturbed you in your sleep!! Now you're supposed to get up and kick me!"

He doesn't even move a finger.

"You said that yourself...Stupid kitsune..you lied..." 

And now I've burst into an unstoppable flow of tears.

"Wake up..." I sob between breaths, trembling with my head on his arm.  "wake up, please...

"you can't leave me like this....you can't leave my life like this....

"I don't know what you've done to me...but I can't live without you, kitsune....I - I need you...Rukawa....

"and I think...I think I..love you...

"so please...wake up and tell me I'm a do'aho..your do'aho..one more time....

In some undyingly naive part of my mind I once imagined that these words would touch Rukawa, that he would somehow hear them and be moved, that he would wake up at this exact moment and things would go back to the way that they used to be.

But there are no happy endings in life.  I know that now.

Rukawa remains silent.  Motionless.  There isn't even a twitch of his fingers.

I don't look up.  I can't look at his face anymore, I can't look at his sealed and matted eyelashes anymore.  I can't do this anymore.  

"I'm tired...Rukawa...

"I'm tired of this...."

And all I can hear is my muffled sobbing into the lifeless cold of his limp arm, and I know, here and now, that I've really had enough.  That I really can't go on like this anymore.  That I'm really too tired, much too tired to do this anymore.

"Do'aho."

I stop immediately.  

It was that voice.  That soft, deep, monotonous voice that I remember better than any other sound in this world.

I don't move.  I don't look up.

Could it be just my imagination playing tricks on me again?  I recall my countless dreams of him since the accident, dreams of him returning and his familiar voice cutting through the air and into my soul, dreams of his blue blue eyes staring straight at me and magically transforming everything back to normal again.  And I recall waking from these dreams back into cruel reality in the dead of the night, drenched in cold sweat, haunted by a twisting nostalgic pain and numerous persistently torturing images of the past, a past where he was present in my life.

And now I'm hearing his voice again.  I'm hearing him say "Do'aho" again...the only thing I ever truly was from beginning to end - his "Do'aho".

I look up.

And there he is, his icy blue eyes staring straight at me, radiating with life and piercing blue light - eyes that I miss so terribly much.

He's...awake.  He's...back.

I don't say a word.  He doesn't either.

What am I supposed to do now?  I can't think anymore.

I find myself drowning inside those eyes, those eyes that I haven't gazed into for so unbearably long.  

It feels like I'm lost in heaven when I'm lost in his eyes.

It feels like I've gone mute.  Like someone has somehow transformed my voice into a random bundle of silent soundwaves, so that no matter how much I want to speak, no matter how hard I try to say something, no sounds seem to come out of me.

Is that a..teardrop?  A teardrop at the side of his eye?

And suddenly he speaks again.  With that voice - that gentle voice that I miss just as much as every other thing about him.

"...Do'aho," he repeats, moving slowly closer towards me. 

And at that precise moment in time, a strange, frantic fear grips me and I break the gaze, stand up instantly and edge away.

He looks...shocked.  If I'm not mistaken.  There is a hint of...shock..in his eyes.

What am I doing?

"I'll go get a doctor." I choke in the clearest tone I can manage.

And with that, I turn and walk hurriedly out of the room.

What am I doing?  That moment was...something different.  So what am I doing?

Why am I feeling so...scared?

What am I doing?

I shake my head and look around me, hectically scanning the hospital corridor for any sign of a doctor.  I panic when I see the only doctor in sight and run up to tap him on the back urgently.

"He's awake." I say shakily.

The doctor has question marks in his eyes.

"He's awake..." I repeat hastily.  "he was in a ... a coma."

I've always hated the word coma.

"What room?" the doctor responds, already walking ahead of me purposefully. "Who?"

"Rukawa Kaede..." I stammer, dismissing the memory of his shocked expression just a few seconds ago, the expression that I turned my back on.  "room..umm...184."

"Initial response?" he questions, turning to look at me.

"He.. 

Too many images of him are attacking my brain.  I can't concentrate.  I shake my head in an attempt to rid my mind of this clinging mist of images spreading inside me.

"...he spoke to me..."

The doctors nods and stops in front of the room.  He turns to me and begins explaining things.

"We're going to do a few tests on him now," he explains. "see if he's all right."

I nod back, unsure of what else I'm supposed to do.

"You can wait here," the doctor adds.

I nod again briefly, then look down at my feet, not sure of where else to look.

"Don't worry, son," the doctor laughs, patting my shoulder with a confident smile on his face. "it's good news!"

I know, I think.  I know.  And I'm glad, glad beyond belief, that he's back.  

But...why am I feeling so scared?

I plop down into the bench outside the room, and sigh in confusion, still in mild shock.

Amongst all this strange fear gripping me, a familiar "Do'aho" rings in my ears.

Without realizing, I'm smiling.  I'm smiling for the first time in months.  With ease too.  

He's back.  Kitsune's back.

Through all this puzzling fear that tore me away from him during that mesmerizing moment, a ray of hope shines.

He's back, I tell myself.  I may be scared, but he's back.  And that's enough.

He's back.  Back into my life.

I find myself grinning into space, a carefree grin that I always thought would remain buried deeply in my past forever.

Notes: I like this chapter the most ^_^  
Well, maybe 'cause I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic..but I like this chapter…I like what he said to Rukawa before he woke up…

_But I couldn't think of a way to end the chapter..so it's a crap ending… -_-" I guess he restored optimism back into this life..?! *__to herself* Just think of it that way, Lanie… _

**Five**

I rub the sleepiness out of my eyes and yawn.  I'm in my room.  How long has it been since I actually fell asleep here, in this house, instead of at the hospital?  I roll over lazily.  I don't know how long it's been.  But a shining hope inside my heart tells me that there'll be no more of falling asleep in that cold hospital room anymore.

I sit up and glance out of the window.  The Sakura blossoms are still tumbling down like dristling rain, some still gently clinging onto the windowsill.  And something about the atmosphere of today tells me that from now on, everything will be all right.  Maybe not everything.  But at least some things will.

Is this hope?  How long has it been since I felt even a hint of hope in my life, a confident hope for a better tomorrow?  Too long.  So long that I've forgotten what hope feels like anymore.

I stand up and walk over to the mirror.

And for the first time in months, I'm looking at myself and somehow, I feel like I know who I am now.

Because he's back.  He's back here with me.

And for once I don't feel tired, or lost.  For once I don't feel so helplessly tired, so tired that I don't know how I'll even get through one more day without collapsing with this terrible pain in my heart.  For once, I don't feel that way.

I step into school, inhaling a deep breath of autumn sakura, hope, and energy.

Will he be here today?

And almost automatically a vivid image of the seemingly shocked expression on Rukawa's face springs into my mind.

That moment.  I remember every single thing about it.

If I wasn't mistaken, there was a teardrop at the side of his eye.

A teardrop?  A teardrop from Rukawa?

No, it couldn't be a teardrop.  I'm mistaken.  Definitely.  I know it.

And suddenly I feel a kind of fervent fear arising inside me, followed by a certainty telling me that I simply can't face him.

All those things I said.  All those pathetic things I said.  And all the weeping and begging on his arm. 

What a disgrace.

True, I would give anything for him to wake up.  But...I'm ashamed of what I feel.  I'm even more ashamed...that he might know.  Yet somehow...I know that he heard me.

I shiver unconsciously.

'I love you', I had said.

I love you?  I said that?

I look down.  I'm...scared.  Scared that I might really love him.  Even more scared that...that he might know it.

"Hey - have you heard? About Rukawa?"

Upon hearing his name, I instantly spin around to eavesdrop on the progressing conversation.  

"Rukawa? You mean the basketball guy? The first grade chick magnet?"

"Yeah, you know - the one who got into that nasty car accident three months ago..."

"He's been in a coma since, hasn't he?"

"That's the thing...he woke up yesterday!"

"He did?  Whoa...Are you sure?"

"100%!"

The two guys trail off as they walk hastily away towards the main building.  People know already.  God, word travels fast.

Still scared, I choose to ignore everyone around me, the only audible subject matter being him and his comeback from the dead.  

What contradicting emotions.  I frown and shake my head.

True, I'm more than glad he's back.  By opening his eyes again he has instilled hope back into my life, and maybe even a carefree type of happiness - and even my sense of identity once again.  Maybe that's the only person I can ever be, his do'aho.  And something tells me that things will slowly turn back into the way they used to be.

But...I'm scared.  I don't know how I'm ever going to bring myself to look at him straight in the eye ever again, because I feel so ashamed.  What will he think of me now, after hearing all those pathetic things I said to him between such pathetic sobs?  And the ironic thing is that all the things I said were..true.  More true than ever.   How will I even manage to be in his presence without arousing suspicion?  What will the others say?  

I don't know.  And I don't like not knowing.

"Hanamichi!" 

I turn around to face an alarmed Youhei, panting heavily.  He must have been running behind me all along.

"Youhei!"

Even I am surprised at the change in my voice.  It's no longer deep, flat, low, dead.  It's higher, livelier...to put it short, it's the way it always used to be.

"Is it true..?" Youhei pants, his eyes widened in eager curiosity.

And before I know it, a huge smile has broken on my lips.

I'm...back to the way I used to be.

Youhei laughs loudly when I don't answer and shoves me along.  I respond by shoving him back.  I catch a look in his eyes that tells me even he knows that I'm back to the way I used to be again.

"Hanamichi," he sighs beside me, sincere relief escaping from every tone in his voice. "you're...back."

First this statement mildly puzzles me.  Then I look at Youhei with raised eyebrows, and I know exactly what he's trying to say.

I laugh.  How long has it been since I laughed like this?  I've forgotten how relaxing it is to laugh, but now I remember what it feels like again.

"I'm back, Youhei," I say, the familiar but long gone confidence in my voice like music to my ears.  "and from now on, everything's going to be all right."

"Back to the way things used to be." Youhei continues, as if reading my mind.

I grin back to his warm smile and pat him heavily on the back.

Youhei laughs, then suddenly looks into the distance and frowns.  My sight immediately follows in the same direction as his.

"Nan da yo?" Youhei asks, perplexed, pointing to the enormous but largely female population crowding by an area ahead of us.  "What are they doing?"

"I don't know," I answer, equally puzzled, jumping up and down to see what all this fuss is about.  "but let's go check it out."

I run ahead eagerly with Youhei trailing behind me, trying to push aside as many people as possible and prodding my head forward to try and get a good glimpse of the centre of all this attention.

I stop, transfixed.

"Nani, Hanamichi?" Youhei almost shouts, struggling to get a position next to me.  "What is it?"

I feels like all the blood in my body has ceased to flow and my heart has ceased to beat.  All I want to do is turn and run away, but it's as if my feet are glued to the ground, and I can't move a muscle.

'Kami-sama..' is all I can think.

"Rukawa-kun, welcome back!" yell the high-pitched voices of his die-hard fans and cheerleaders before they begin some kind of welcoming dance. 

It's him, standing right before me - him, the centre of attention.  He isn't even aware of all these people fussing over him.  And luckily enough for me at the moment, he isn't aware of my presence either.

"Eh?" Youhei wonders out loud, staring at Rukawa with boggled eyes.  "Rukawa?  Why...why are you here..already? So soon?  Don't you need some...rest...first?"

I can see Youhei at the corner of my eye, noticing my frozen response to Rukawa's sudden appearance in front of my eyes.  He eyes move from me to Rukawa and back, reflecting the vague thought: 'I see..'

Run!  I urge myself desperately.  Run away!  Now!  Before he sees you!  

But I can't move.  I can't move a muscle.

And as if on cue, Rukawa immediately snaps out of his dazed trance.  He looks up and straight at me, straight into my eyes, with an unwavering type of provoking assertiveness mixed with so many emotions that I can't read.

He locks my gaze.  And for some reason I can't look away from that icy, sapphire-blue of his mesmerizing eyes.

What is he trying to do?  What is he trying to say?

Is he...reading me?  Reading my mind? My thoughts?

I shiver unconsciously at the thought of that happening and immediately break the gaze.

He can't find out more about me.  

I can't face him after everything...everything that I said.

I look around frantically for an excuse to run away and get out of here.  I almost collapse in relief when I see Okusu, Takamiya, and Chuichiro walking through the school gates.

"Oi!" I yell at the top of my voice.  "Okusu! Takamiya!  Chuichiro!"

And grabbing on to Youhei's arm at the last minute, I run towards them as fast as my legs can carry me.

Before the three can recover from the shock of me actually talking to them, I've already pulled them away, as far away from Rukawa as possible - to where, I haven't a clue.

We're all panting by the time we've stopped and are leaning against a wall, where I'm sure that Rukawa can't see me.

It only occurs to me how strange that must have looked.  Very strange.  Now I begin to worry about what the others must think about me.

But it doesn't matter what the others think, I convince myself.  As long as I stay away from him.  I don't want to lose the chance of even getting to look at him ever again.  So I can't let him know more.  I can't bear to imagine what he thinks of me now, after hearing...all those pathetic things I said.  I can't let him know more.

Stay away from him, I conclude.  Stay away.

"Hanamichi," Takamiya says, choking and gasping for breath.  "what is wrong with you?"

"Yeah," Okusu coughs.  "what is going on?"

"What was that all about?" Chuichiro adds.

At this point Youhei stares sideways at me with an expression that signals he knows everything.  That he understands.  I don't say a thing.

He turns to Okusu, Takamiya, and Chuichiro and laughs.

"Well, at least he's speaking to us, right?" Youhei has a grin on his face now, which spreads onto all the faces of the other three. "It's been a long time, Hanamichi..."

"The comeback of the Sakuragi gundan, eh?"

We all laugh in unison and engage in conversation while walking to the main building.

I'm laughing.  I'm part of this again...part of the pushing and shoving and fooling around.  I thought I'd lost the ability to be part of this again.  The ability to be myself again.

And the comfort of being with these friends that I thought I had lost long ago tells me that soon everything will be okay, back to the way things used to be.

Notes: The theme of this chapter is probably friendship … ^_^" And about how if someone's important to you.. your life can change completely depending on their state… 

_-_-" okay okay,…it was a crap chapter..I know..but I'm a crap writer..hehe…that's my excuse ^_^" gomen nasai…_

_To be continued…to be honest, I'm a bit stuck on the next chapter right now…but I'm working on it! ^.^ Please send me your responses to the fic so far..I want to know how much it sucks ^_~"  Anyway…my main point is that I will continue this fic…so come back later..hehe.. ^_^_

**Six**

"Hanamichi," Youhei says curiously, pulling up a chair and sitting opposite me.  "spill."

"Nani?" I ask, question marks in my eyes, though in my heart I know perfectly well what he wants to ask me. 

"Spill," he repeats, with a slight smile of relief printed on his face. "tell me...about what happened yesterday."

I look down uneasily, uncertain of where to start.  Or how to start.

"And tell me...what all that running away was about." Youhei trails off.

I look up and stare at Youhei worriedly, then frown in frustration.  Questions.  People will have questions, and I will have to know how to answer them, I tell myself.

But I know that I need to tell Youhei the truth.  The understanding in his eyes tells me that much.  It's a comfort to know that he can help me, that he's there.  My frown slowly disappears and I sigh deeply.

"Youhei..." I begin softly after sucking in a deep breath of fresh air.  "he wakes up..and suddenly..everything's all right again..."

I can see Youhei smiling knowingly, a mature type of knowing smile that comforts me by making me believe that everything happening to me is somehow well within the boundaries of expectation.

"I said..so many things...." I continue, automatically closing my eyes. "things that I...that I hate myself for...

"and he heard them all..."

That familiar "Do'aho" rings in my ears.  And now I feel like that tiny phrase carries magic in itself, the same magic contained within the depths of his ice blue eyes or in the spellbinding echoes of his every movement, simply - his magic.   

"I told him the truth..." my voice has changed to some kind of barely audible whisper.  Maybe I just can't take this burning shame inside me.  "and he heard me..."

I can feel Youhei watching me, making his observations and thinking his analytical thoughts.  He doesn't reply yet.

"But it doesn't matter..." I comfort myself aloud, my voice now louder, more high-spirited and confident.  "as long as he's back.  As long as he's here."

"You're scared." Youhei concludes.

I open my eyes and look back at him questioningly, waiting for his explanation.

"You're scared," he repeats doubtlessly, shifting his position on the chair.  "because you love him."

My eyes widen about two inches now, the shock hitting me with the impact of a boulder to a sheet of glass.  This comes as a complete surprise to me.

Nani? ..even Youhei can see that..that I love him? Is it that obvious?

"...B-bakame!" I stutter loudly, practically jumping back from the table in denial.  "What..w-what are you talking about?"

A remotely amused laugh plays on Youhei's lips.

"You need him." he says, raising his eyebrows as if saying, 'there's no use in denying the truth'.

"Ha!" I attempt to laugh sarcastically, my cheeks burning and probably reddening too. "Me, Tensai Sakuragi, would need that baka kitsune? You...you must be k-kidding!"

Youhei only shakes his head and sighs, smiling in amusement.

"You know yourself best," I hear him say. "you can try and hide it from us, but you can't hide it from yourself."

At this point I look down and away from Youhei, realizing how right he is.  I do need him.  I do...love him.  And I am scared.

"Maa, Hanamichi," Youhei continues quickly, sighing heavily and standing up next to me.  "in need of him or not, you're back, and that's all that matters right now...!"

I nod in agreement and grin, forcing myself to bury and seal all thoughts of kitsune at the back of my mind.  And to ease this awkwardness inside me I let out a loud, high-pitched laugh - well, more like a cackle I suppose - that further confirms the fact that I am back again as my old self.

We begin strolling down the crowded corridor, to where, I'm not sure.

"Ano, Youhei...where are we going?" I ask, glancing over at Youhei.

"You're going to play some basketball." he answers firmly.

I stop in my footsteps immediately.

"Youhei.." I stammer.

"Hanamichi," he sighs, pulling me along insistently.  "he's back now, why is it so hard for you to play?"

"Because..." I choke, pulling back in uncertainty.

"I can understand your reasons for not playing when he was...you know...not here," he reasons.  "that would be torture..."

It was, I think.  But...it still is.

"But now he's back, so what's the problem with playing again?"

"I don't..." I begin shakily, to be interrupted by Youhei in mid-sentence.

"Face it, Hanamichi - you want to play basketball."

We stop abruptly and he stares straight at me with such a fiery determination in his eyes that I'm forced to admit that deep down inside, I really do love basketball.  But I don't say a word or move a muscle.

"You know and I know that you want to play - you want to play more than ever.  So go.  Go and play." Youhei tells me.

I look down and away from the persistent and challenging determination in Youhei's eyes.  

"You don't understand.." I whisper, shaking my head reluctantly.  "I don't want to...to see...him...to face him..."

Youhei's eyes soften slightly upon the escaping of these words from my mouth.

"You can't just run away from this, Hanamichi," Youhei tells me, his voice gentler and quieter now.  "you can't just run away from this forever.  You have to face it."

"But.." I object weakly.

"I know you're scared.  But..you know, you can't be scared forever."

I know Youhei's right.  But somehow, I'm still scared.  Scared because he might feel disgusted, repelled, by how much I need him.  Scared because I might love him.  Even more scared because he might not love me back.

Iie.  I know for a fact - that he doesn't love me back.

And that's what scares me the most.

And I wish you knew that, Youhei.  I wish you understood why I'm so hopelessly scared of playing basketball, of facing him.  I wish you understood.

I shake my head.

"Youhei..." I whisper.

But before I can even finish my sentence or realize what is happening, Youhei's already shoving me along the corridor towards the gym.

"WAHHHHHH!!!" I scream, flinging my arms desperately.  "TATSUKETE!! LET ME GO!!"

"Here." Youhei announces, pushing me forcefully into the gym, and towards the echoes of raised voices throughout the vast recesses of the hall.

"Minna!" Youhei calls out to the numerous backs facing me, holding me back by the collar with one hand and gesturing in my direction with the other.  "Sakuragi's here!"

I suddenly feel like punching Youhei in the face, but some type of shock renders me motionless when I see everyone turn to face me, eyes widened in surprised, unprepared, and somewhat unnerving silence.  Megane-kun, Gori, Ryocchin, Micchy, Yasuda, and all the rest – they all have their eyes on me, as if they're not sure what to say or do.

I catch a glimpse of Haruko-san nearby, standing speechless aside her two friends, questions in their eyes.

There's someone else in the hall.  In the centre of the hall.  Standing silent and motionless, staring into me with glinting eyes as deep as the ocean, eyes with a vague hint of weariness, eyes that I could recognize anywhere.

It's him.  He's here.  ...Rukawa.

Why is he here?  He shouldn't be here.  He's not ready for basketball.  Is he?

Oh god, I think, make the ground swallow me up.  Get me out of here.

I cough nervously and turn to make a run for the doors once again, forgetting Youhei's persisting grip on my collar.  But this time more than one hand latches onto my shoulder to pull me back.

"Not so fast, Sakuragi!" Mitsui and Ryota chide in unison, pulling me further into the gym before I even have time to fight back.

"GET OFF ME!!" I screech helplessly, ignoring the sweatdropping individuals watching my every movement.  "LET ME GO!! WAHHH!!"

"Bakayarou!!" Gori yells just as loudly, punching me on the head equally hard.

"Itai yo!!" I wail, feeling the swelling lump on my head.  "Stop it!"

"You're playing whether you want to or not!" is Gori's reaction.  "Today is the right day to start again, now that Rukawa's come back!"

I look down at the ground.  I can feel those eyes of his burning into me but I look down at the shiny floorboards to try and avoid confronting him in any way.  Who knows what he'll say to me?  I shiver unconsciously at the thought.

Someone places a basketball lightly into my hands.  I look up.

"Play, Sakuragi." 

It's Kogure.  His expression is pleading yet hopeful.  Does he know?

"Please…" he continues.  "please play.  Rukawa's back now.  Shohoku can't do without you two.  Now please..play again."

Rukawa.  I sigh heavily.  That's the precise reason why I can't play.  Doesn't anyone understand?

"Megane-kun," I stutter nervously, still trying to avoid that piercing blue light coming from the centre of the hall.  "I can't…"

"Why can't you?" Ryota cuts in.

"Yeah," Mitsui begins.  "Why can't you, Sakuragi?"

What am I supposed to say?

Youhei taps my shoulder from behind and I turn around.

"Hanamichi," he says.  "just play."

"Everyone.." I raise my slightly trembling voice.  "I'm not going to –"

And all of a sudden those piercing blue eyes are right in front of me.

He's standing right in front of me.  And for some reason…I can't breathe.

I trail off the very moment that he locks my gaze.  And I can't look away.

But he breaks the silence, cutting through it with that gentle, soft, monotonous voice of his.

"Do'aho." he starts.

Why does he have to use that word to mock me?  

"Just play." he continues flatly, still staring straight into my eyes.  "Or have you forgotten how to play?"

At first I don't do anything.  I can't move, I can't talk, I can't react.  

But then, at the back of my mind it occurs to me that a comment like this would have set me off in the past.  It would have made me fume and burn in rage.

Am I supposed to feel angry?  

I'm not.  It sounds weird, but….I can't be angry at him anymore.

Suddenly something inside me snaps and I glance briskly around me, noticing all the shocked stares, revealing expectations of my outburst.  And I realize that if I don't do something, people will start getting suspicious.

And if they do…I can't bear to imagine what will happen if they find out..if they find out about…me.  The same shame that had silenced me earlier on is now forcing me to say something.

"T-Teme Rukawa!!" I begin shakily, raising my hand to point a finger at him.

Even I can feel how unconvincing my voice is.  God, I hate acting.  I hate saying things that I don't mean. 

"Baka kitsune!" I continue, my voice getting louder now.  "Me? Forgotten? Ha!!"

I feign a sarcastic laugh for dramatic effect.

"Baka…it's more like you've forgotten! How could a tensai like me forget?"

Rukawa's face is impassive and emotionless.

"Prove it." he says in monotone, his stare unwavering and challenging.

Prove it?  What?  What is he talking about?

No one around me makes a sound.  They all have their eyes on us, on the 'tension' of the moment.  We are supposed to be enemies, aren't we?  Well, he sees me that way.  But, about the way I see him…I don't know anymore. 

What is he trying to do?  I don't say a word.  However unconvincing it might be for my 'act', I stay silent.  I don't know what to say.

"Beat me." he says.

What?  I stand, transfixed, lost.  What is he talking about?

"One on one today, after practice." he raises his voice slightly.  "Beat me and prove it."

Prove what? I think helplessly.

It's as if he can read my mind through my eyes somehow.  

"Prove it," he asserts.  "prove that you're better than me.

"Beat me one on one."

Notes: -_- Nani?  One on one? I hope that's what you guys are thinking, because I don't know what to think…hehe…^_^" Honestly, I don't know where this story's going….-_-" I guess I'm just making it up as I go along because all I have in mind is how it's gonna end so I have no idea what's happening in between right now…*ahem*_ …gomen gomen..but I guess that's just how I am nowadays…*sigh*… maa… Comments please! ^_^ Domo! *bows* Seven 

Did he just say one on one?

His eyes are getting to me.  That unflinching stare of his…it's as if there's something else that he's trying to say from deep beneath those ice-blue, crystal depths of his.  I can't look away.

Don't hold my gaze like this, please.  Don't look at me like that – because I don't want you to see me.  Don't look at me like that.  Don't make me believe that there really is a place for me in your eyes.  Don't look at me like that…Rukawa.

What is happening?  I can feel my memory and sense of time falling away.  And suddenly. all that exists is here and now, him and I standing here – with that something unexplainable inside his eyes that I feel like I'm drowning in.

What is happening?

I don't know what's happening.  I only know that he's here with me, staring straight at me with something unfamiliar shining inside those beautiful blue eyes of his.

What is he thinking?  At this moment I wish I knew.  Because this moment is casting a spell on me, making me believe that…that there is a place for me inside his mind.

I don't know what I'm thinking about.  I don't know anything anymore.

What is happening?  I don't know anymore.

And all of a sudden, someone pulls me away from his gaze from behind and hurls me back into reality again.

"Rukawa," I hear Kogure say nervously, edging between us hurriedly, panic and worry escaping in every bit of his body language.  "one on one?  You should be resting right now!  Wait till you're fully recovered first, ne?"

I'm still too confused and lost to bring myself to look up and watch Rukawa's reaction to Kogure's comment.  I remain silent, lost in my own endless thoughts.  

What was that moment?  What happened?

I suddenly feel self-conscious and aware of my surroundings.  Do they know?  Do they know what happened just then?

Please, Kami-sama, I start to beg inside me.  Please tell me that they don't know what happened just then.  That they didn't see what happened to me during that moment.  That they didn't see me lose myself inside his eyes.

"Sakuragi," I hear Kogure call out, turning to me.  

I try to shake the confusion away from my mind and turn to look at Kogure.  He looks worried.

What is he worried about?  

"Sakuragi," he says softly.  "you're not really going to listen to Rukawa, are you?"

I don't answer.  I still haven't even sorted things out.

For some reason Kogure takes my silence as a negative response.

"Demo…" he responds, panic escaping in his nervous voice.  "Rukawa just got out of hospital and he's not ready for basketball yet…Sakuragi…onegai…"

At this statement I'm reminded about Rukawa's last words.  

'Beat me one on one'.

Was he serious?  One on one?  Him challenging me for a one on one?

You must be kidding me.  He hardly ever paid attention to me in the past, let alone challenged me.

I glance at the people surrounding me once again, only now feeling the tense atmosphere pressing in on us layer by layer.  The abrupt realization strikes me that these people actually think that I plan to go along with Rukawa's suggestion.

But…that's the last thing I want to do.

"Sakuragi," Gori cuts in to the conversation loudly.  "I forbid you.  It's not the time for that yet."

I know that, I think to myself.  And even if it was, I would still run away.

Gori turns to Rukawa, silent and emotionless as usual.

"Rukawa, you need to get some rest first.  No basketball for one week."

Almost instinctively, my eyes latch onto Rukawa to watch his reaction.  But as if he heard nothing at all, he remains stone-faced, staring absently into a distant corner of the gym.

What is he thinking?  I would give anything to know.

I catch myself thinking this thought at this precise moment and I look down, ashamed.  You deserve to feel ashamed, I tell on myself mentally.  Just look at yourself- you deserve to be ashamed.

Two hands press down on my shoulders, one on each shoulder, and I spin around instantly to meet the prying grins of Micchy and Ryocchin.

"I never thought I would live to see the day…" Ryocchin starts, edging towards me suspiciously.

I edge away equally suspiciously.

"Nan da yo?" I whine loudly, trying to sound annoyed enough to put them off their suspicion.

"The day when Rukawa would actually be the one to challenge _you_," Micchy finishes, not paying any attention to my irritated response.  "_him_ challenging _you_ – ha!  Unheard of!"

"What is it – role reversal or something?" Ryocchin nudges me tauntingly.

"Is this some kind of publicity show?"  Mitsui presses on.

"Or…" Ryocchin lowers his voice secretively.  "or is there something wrong with Rukawa's brain..?"

I know that at this point I'm supposed to react, do something, maybe jump back and make a screeching announcement that I'm a tensai and that finally, thank the heavens above, baka kitsune's realized that.  But I can't bring myself to say anything.  I'm supposed to laugh, to cackle and then spit words in Rukawa's face.  But I can't do that.

Mitsui turns towards Rukawa, now leaning against the wall.

"Oi, Rukawa!" I hear him call out, pointing in Rukawa's direction.  "What's behind this one on one thing?"

He doesn't answer.

I don't dare to look into his face, so I keep my eyes on the ground.

But now I can hear his firm footsteps echoing in the tense, questioning silence of the hall.  I know he's standing right there in front of me.

"After school." he affirms unwaveringly.

Then he turns around and drifts straight out of the hall.

I, along with everyone else in the hall, watch his receding frame motionlessly in shocked silence.  Does he really expect me to go?  

One on one.  This is almost laughable.  Him, challenging me?  Ha.  Just like Micchy said, unheard of. This might well be a publicity show.  I only wish it was.

And now I understand what it was in his eyes just now.  An element of something challenging me.  But of course now it's not about basketball anymore.  Or is it?

I don't know.  I don't understand.  All this thinking is making my head hurt.  

I can't go.  Who knows what he'll say to me…

No.  I don't want to know what he thinks of me.  I don't want to get…hurt.

I can't go.

"Don't get any funny ideas, Sakuragi." 

Gori's deep, disapproving voice instantly pulls my thoughts to a halt. 

"You're not going." he orders, shaking his head in mild confusion.  "I don't know what's going on with Rukawa, but he's not ready for basketball yet.  Don't forget that he only got up yesterday."

How could I forget?  I was right there.  You don't forget things like that – things that turn your life around.  You can't forget things like that.

Someone taps me on the head lightly and I spin around.

"Ayako-san…" 

It's Ayako and her paper fan.  Funny, I didn't see her when I came in.

"Sakuragi Hanamichi," she answers briskly, a small, persuasive smile on her lips.  "Rukawa needs rest.  Don't accept the challenge, ne?"

"Leave it till later maybe," Kogure laughs.  "okay, Sakuragi?"

I realize that if I nod and agree to this, everyone will suspect something.  Everyone will be surprised by my obedient silence and they'll look for explanations behind my behaviour.  And I don't want people to find out about me – I don't want them to see what I really am.  But on the contrary, if I shake my head, and disagree, then I really will have to go along with Rukawa's challenge – I really will have to hear what he has to say.  And I don't want to know what he thinks of me – I don't want to get hurt.

What do I do?  I stay emotionlessly silent and stare down at the ground once again.

"You do realize…" Mitsui mutters softly, suddenly slinging his arm over my shoulder.  "…that you'll never beat him any other way…?"

"Ya know," Ryota adds sarcastically, leaning closer to me to add icing onto the cake.  "you should take advantage of the situation…seeing that you'll never be able to beat Rukawa in your life…!"

And automatically, Mitsui and Ryota burst into laughter…

…to be silenced by Ayako's paper fan within seconds.

I can't help but burst into laughter myself.

"Set a good example!" Ayako orders irritably (particularly to Ryota, I might add), grasping her fan forcefully in her hand. "Don't encourage him!"

I watch Mitsui growling under his breath and Ryota's love struck gazing at Ayako, and the sudden thought strikes me that some things – only some things – just never change.

"Oi, Sakuragi!" Gori calls out from the other side of the gym.

I immediately raise my hands before me when I catch sight of a basketball being thrown in my direction, catching the ball with a clean slap.

"What are you still standing there for?" Gori presses on persistently.  "Start practicing!"

I look down at the ball slowly, then up at Gori and around at the expectantly hopeful stares of the people surrounding me.  

Maybe I should.  Maybe I should play again.

And without realizing, my wrist is pressing and letting go of the ball upon the ground in the action that we call a dribble.  

I haven't dribbled a ball for so long.  I miss this sound, this resonant, clean-cut ring almost like a steady musical beat.

Maybe I will.  Maybe I will play again.

"We'll start with a practice game," Gori announces quickly, striding towards me and the team without the slightest intention of letting me refuse.  "let's see if you can still play, Sakuragi."

With that, Gori smiles his confident, almost provoking smile – a familiarly ambitious smile that makes me wonder if he, or the rest of the Shohoku team, for that matter, realize what my absence from basketball for the last three months has really been about.

"Let's go, Sakuragi."  I hear Mitsui say, already walking towards the centre of the court.

"Show us what you're made of," Ryota adds, grinning and nudging me, his earring flashing vigorously in the sunlight shining into the gym through the windows upstairs.  "…tensai."

"Ganbatte, Sakuragi," Kogure encourages me through a smile, patting me on the shoulder lightly.

"Do your thing." Ayako adds in, hastily twisting her hat around backwards.

Through all these…encouragements…I remain silent, shocked.

All this support.  All this unity.  It's as if we're still a team, and always were, always will be.  It's as if this hasn't changed at all.  

"Ganbaru Sakuragi-kun!" 

I instantly grin back at Haruko, standing in the corner of the gym, calling out to me and giggling excitedly.  Even her two friends are cheering and smiling at me. 

I never knew things would still be like this.  It's as if nothing has changed.

It's as if …  I belong here.  As if I matter here.  As if … as if I'm not a shame at all.  

"Sakuragi!" Gori yells impatiently, gesticulating violently to get my attention.  "Get over here!"

I stare back down absently at the gleaming ball in my hands.

Maybe I will play basketball again.

No – now I know for a fact, that I will play basketball again.

Notes:  I know that the dialogue that I come up with in this fic is often really lame.. heh… ^_^" But sometimes I can't come up with better things, know what I mean? Oh well… Soon the time for Rukawa's one on one challenge will come… and now I finally know what's gonna happen! YAY!! ^.^ *throws confetti into the air*  So now I won't have to spend 30 minutes just sitting here without the slightest idea of what's going to happen next..-_-" now I finally have a plan in my mind of what I'm gonna write!!! ^.^ Haha..YAY! [The pathetic celebrations of a beginner fic writer.. ^_^" hehe]  Anyway, there's more to come ^_^ ~*

I need someone to tell me, is Sakuragi really OOC in this fic?  I was just wondering… because I find it quite hard to write as him… *sigh* @_@ 

**Eight**

"That's it for today, guys," Gori concludes, hurriedly picking up randomly scattered balls on the no longer shiny gym floor.  "see you tomorrow."

I hunch over slowly, persistent beads of perspiration trickling down my face and neck, panting hard and strenuously.  

Yet this physical strain is a kind of release, a kind of release that I've been deprived of for such an endlessly long time.  A release, along with basketball and everything else about my past, that I've missed so much at the back of my mind.

I follow everyone back to the benches to collect my belongings.

"Fine play, Hanamichi," Ryota says to me in between pants, grinning and patting me on the shoulder.  "fine play."

I smile back at him and instinctively, without me realizing, my 'signature expression' slips out of my mouth for the first time in months.

"Tensai dakara!" I exclaim, my voice automatically drenched with something like confidence and pride.  

It's all coming back to me now.

Ryota grins again, winks at me, throws his bag over his shoulder and turns to walk towards the exit.

"Ja, Hanamichi!" he calls out to me.  "Ja, minna!" 

Then, as usual, he turns to Ayako with hearts in his eyes.

"Aya-chan," he greets politely, his voice softer and gentler now.  "see you tomorrow…"

Ayako merely laughs and nods, tapping him very lightly on the head with her paper fan playfully.

"See you, Ryota."

"Sakuragi."

I turn around immediately when I hear my name being called.

Mitsui walks up to me, wiping his sweat with a towel and his bag in his other hand.

"Nice work," he says in his deep voice, smiling reassuringly.  "I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

Yes, you will, I think, smiling.

I nod briskly at Mitsui's comment, then wave goodbye as he walks out of the hall.

All this support.  I can't help but admit that…it's wonderful.  It's wonderful to be back.

I quickly blink myself out of my thoughts and hastily start collecting my things to leave.  

"You stay behind, Sakuragi."  Gori's insistent voice holds me back.

I watch everyone's hurried departure from the gym, excluding Ayako and Kogure, who are discussing something in hushed syllables beside Gori.

I walk towards Gori, wondering what this is about.

"Sakuragi," he starts, his expression solemn.  "you did very well."

This has to be one of the few occasions where you actually find Gori complimenting me.  A grin instantly breaks out of my face, but I don't reply.

"You will come back to practice regularly now, right?" he asks, a little bit of eagerness escaping through his still voice.

I lull over this question for a few seconds.  With Rukawa back … 

I hesitate immediately.

Suddenly Ayako and Kogure stop talking and stare at me, waiting for my answer, the look in both their eyes so immensely hopeful that I can't bring myself to say no.

'You can't just run away forever,' Youhei's words echo repeatedly in my mind.  'You can't be scared forever.'

Rukawa's back.  Life must go on.

I can't be scared forever, I tell myself.

"Yes," I announce, nodding my head more certainly and sincerely than ever.  "yes, I will."

Gori's eyes light up then, with a type of relief or a type of delight, or a type of surprise.  Or maybe all these emotions mixed together.

I glance over at Kogure and Ayako and realize their eyes have lightened up too.

Gori puts his hand on my shoulder firmly and lets a smile loose on his lips.

"That's good," I hear him say absently.  "that's good."

"It's been a long time, Sakuragi Hanamichi…" Ayako says to me, her voice still full of energy and animation.  "you'll have to keep it up, ne!"

"Ganbatte!" Kogure adds encouragingly, adjusting his glasses.

I look at Kogure and I wonder what he thinks of me after that time at the hospital where he saw me crying and heard what I had to say.  Somehow, it seems like his opinion on me hasn't changed.  He still treats me the way he did before.  And I don't understand that. 

There isn't even a hint of sympathy or disgust in his eyes.  Instead, his eyes are full of understanding, just like Youhei's.  I don't understand.  I don't understand why these people, my former teammates … why they're still so nice to me.

But I understand that this gives me the reason to be strong.  Even if that means facing Rukawa.

"Nan da, Sakuragi?" Kogure interrupts my thoughts, his voice slightly concerned.

"Betsuni, betsuni," I reply abruptly, shaking my head and waving my hand in dismissal.  

Ayako takes a quick glimpse at the watch on her wrist.

"Ahh…it's late, we'd better get going now," she sighs.  "ja na, minna."

Soon follows the quick showers of goodbyes and I turn to the benches once again, collecting my belongings hurriedly and trudging towards the exit in deep thought.

It's the end of practice.  Then where's…?

Where's Rukawa?

I shake my head frantically to try and clear my mind of thoughts of him.  It's a good thing he's not here, I tell myself.  It's a good thing.  That way you won't have to face him.  

Yet I can't help feeling … disappointed.  

Why am I feeling disappointed?

No, stop.  Stop it, Hanamichi.

I sigh deeply and continue trudging forward, only now looking up and ahead of me.  A timid figure flinches before me in the dark and then steps into full view.

"Haruko-san?" I gasp in alarm, voicing my thoughts out loud unknowingly.

"Sakuragi-kun…" she replies, smiling slightly and brushing a hand through her chestnut hair.

"What are you doing here alone, so late?" I question worriedly.  After all, a girl shouldn't be out alone so late - it isn't safe enough at these hours.  

"It's okay, Sakuragi-kun,"  Haruko persists, laughing softly and shaking her head.  

"Come, come," I tell her, frowning in disapproval and ignoring her persistence.  "I'll walk you home."

Haruko only laughs again politely and falls in place by my side.  

"Youhei-san," she begins explaining, raising her voice and turning to face me.  "Youhei-san told me to tell you that he couldn't wait till the end of practice for you - he had to work, he said."

"Un…" I reply slowly, nodding.  "thanks for passing the message, Haruko-san."

"It's nothing…" she responds, shaking her head slightly in dismissal once again.

I look sideways at Haruko.  I used to feel something for her.  Now it's as if it's all gone.  It's as if all that's left is a purely gentlemanly sense of responsibility, a duty to keep her safe.  Was it like this before?  I don't remember ever questioning my feelings for her.  Or was I just running away from the truth?  

Why?  She used to be my reason, my motivation.  But now…

I catch myself sighing deeply all over again.

Haruko hears my sigh and looks up from the ground to face me, her round blue eyes hiding some kind of anxiety.

"Demo…" she breathes softly and shakily, watching me intently.  "Sakuragi-kun, are you really going to accept … Rukawa-kun's … challenge?"

At the corner of my eye I can see Haruko watching me expectantly, searching for a response or an answer.  I don't dare to look back at Haruko.  I don't even know what I'm going to do.

"Sakuragi-kun?" she presses on timidly.

I remain silent.  I don't know what to say to her.

Suddenly she pulls me gently on the arm, forcing me to look straight back at her.

"Sakuragi-kun," she begins in a nervous whisper, her eyes fixed on me and glimmering with some type of earnest pleading.  "please promise me you won't accept the challenge, okay?"

Haruko hesitates now, sighs in distress, then takes a deep breath and continues.

"Rukawa-kun's weak right now, and if you two play, if you two get into a fight, then…" she trails off.

"Haruko-san…" I say, trying to ease her growing worry.

"Please, Sakuragi-kun," she interrupts, a slight frown etched on her brow now.  "please … don't accept the challenge … onegai …"

I catch sight of her eyes at that moment – dark eyes drowned in sincere panic and worry – and I realize, with more certainty than ever before, how much she loves Rukawa, how much she cares for him.

And that just tears my heart apart.

It could be guilt.  It could be jealousy.  It could be sheer sadness at how unfair this world is.  I don't know.  But being here, seeing the concern in Haruko's eyes, makes me want to cry.

And now I know, with a kind of frightful certainty, that I can't feel this way about Rukawa.  I can't possibly hurt Haruko like this.

"Haruko-san," I hear myself say, my voice shaky and solemn.  "I'm sorry…"

Haruko's eyes widen in confusion.

"…Sorry for what, Sakuragi-kun?"

"Sorry for everything."

And with that, I spin around and run towards the main gates.

I don't look back.  I wonder what Haruko's thinking right now, but I don't look back.  This guilt seems to be crushing in relentlessly on my heart.

There's nothing to be guilty about, I try to comfort myself.  You didn't do anything.

But I did, a dejected voice in my mind projects.  But I did.  I fell in love with him, even when I knew she was in love with him too.  And she doesn't deserve this.  If she finds out, she'll be hurt, more hurt than ever.  She trusted me.  And I betrayed her.  That's more than enough to stay guilty for my whole life.

I glance ahead of me hastily, squinting to see clearly in the darkness of the chilly autumn night.

And all of a sudden, a tall, broad figure steps out of the shadows and into the light.

Rukawa.

I stand, transfixed, frozen, shocked.  

My thoughts rage violently, sending my head into a spin.  But yet I can't bring myself to tear my eyes away from Rukawa, standing there in front of the gate, right before my eyes.

"Where do you think you're going?" he says in his usual, barely audible, monotonous voice.

I try to talk but the appearance of the huge lump in my throat prevents me from doing so.

And then, catching me completely by surprise, he lunges towards me and grabs my hand, pulling me back into the school premises and away from the exit.

It takes me a while to realize what is happening.  It takes me a while to acknowledge the fact that Rukawa is actually holding my hand in his … voluntarily.

By the time I realize and fully acknowledge what is happening, I'm standing in the centre of the empty gym.

Rukawa's standing right before me once again.  

I look around me nervously.  It's just the two of us in the silence of this hall …

…without a basketball in sight.

I panic and begin running as fast as I can towards the exit, regardless of what Rukawa thinks of my behaviour.

I don't want to be here.  I don't want to listen to what you have to say.  I don't want to get hurt.

He grabs my hand from behind, pulling me back forcefully and forcing me to face him.

Don't touch me, I beg inside.  Don't look at me like that.  Please … don't pull me back.

"I need to talk to you." he says firmly, the same unflinching, challenging look in his ice-blue, crystal eyes.

Notes:  … So what do you think?  ~_~

I hope in this chapter I put in perspective for you…with Sakuragi's fear that Rukawa doesn't share the same feelings as he does, his self-consciousness and ... umm … mild homophobia I guess… and also his guilt for *betraying* Haruko...it kinda gives the idea that even if he does wind up with Rukawa, he still won't be completely happy… but that's for the ending I think... ^_^ All will be clear in the ending ^_~

Actually right now I have another idea for a different fic…but I have to finish this one first… I'm thinking of whether I should link it to this one and make this a series because that would be a pretty good idea…it would save a lot of explaining and etc ... *_* Dunno… oh well…I better finish this one first before saying anything else…

**Nine**

Talk to me?  Inside I'm already screaming at the thought.

"T-There's … there's nothing to talk about!" I immediately rebuke, tearing my hand swiftly away from his and turning towards the exit once again.

But before I can move even half a step forward, he's already pushed me back and locked me securely against the wall, his arms trapping me within the bounds of his body, now only a few inches away from me.

I can hardly breathe, let alone move.  What with him so close to me … my head is in a spin.

"I need to talk to you." he repeats grimly.

I can't seem to respond.  

Get off me!  A voice inside my head screams frantically.  Get off me!  I can't think when you're so close to me!

But I remain still and silent, hardly able to breathe properly.

Seeing my stillness and lack of persistence, Rukawa slowly takes his hands off me and steps back, his eyes still fixed and unflinching from their rigid position on my face.

"Listen to me, Hanamichi."

I don't know what shocks me more – the conflicting emotions I thought I saw rush across Rukawa's face the split second after that statement escaped his lips, or the fact that he's just called me by my first name.  Nevertheless, I stand rooted to the spot, transfixed and unable to react.

"You saved me."

I blink.

"What?" I voice my thoughts out loud.  "What are you talking about?"

"You saved me." he repeats, his face automatically reverting to its usual cold expressionlessness.  

He steps forward now, causing my muscles to tense up once again, causing my voice to return to its lost silence.

What are you talking about?  I question inside me.

"Listen to me." he begins, the seriousness printed on his face frightening and worrying me all at once.  "You saved me."

I stare at him in confusion, unconsciously searching his azure eyes for any hints of what he's trying to tell me.

"When I was lying there in the dark, weights pressing me down and not letting me get up… when I almost died …

"Suddenly…"

I watch him trail off and close his eyes, his face now scrunched up in weary disorientation – a sight that bewilders me beyond belief.  I've never once seen Rukawa with as many words, as much emotion and expression than what he's displayed tonight.  

"Suddenly … when I felt like I couldn't do anything but give in …"

Abruptly his clenched eyes spring open and stare straight into me, further rooting my feet to their position on the ground.

"…suddenly, all I could think of was … you."

…What?

I stand motionless, utterly lost.

"All I could think was that I had to survive … I had to get through this …"

What…what is he saying?

"… so that I could see your face one last time…"

I can feel tears brimming at the sides of my eyes.

My heart skips a beat.

"Hanamichi…" he continues.  

"…yours is the last face I want to see."

I don't know how to respond.  

I don't say a word.  He doesn't either.  

And once again, just like that day at the hospital, I see something very much like a tear hanging at the side of his eye.

I don't know who reached out for the other first, or who slid their arm around the other first, or whose lips touched the other first.

All I know is that there's nowhere in the world that I would rather be…

…than here with Rukawa, as nothing other than his, his do'aho.

The shrill ring of the phone stabs my ears like daggers.

"Arrghh.." I groan irritably, throwing my pillow over my head.  "shut up … let me sleep…"

But the phone doesn't stop ringing.

I close my eyes angrily and reach sideways to answer the phone and lash out on the person who has just interrupted the best sleep I've had in months.  

"What??" I practically yell, spitting out venom in my voice.

"Get up." comes the flat reply.

Instantly my misty eyes widen, and I sit up straight on the bed.

"What are you talking about?" my voice is softer and less – venomous – now that I know who it is.

"Get up."

I glance over at my bedside clock, infuriated by his flat commands, without even bothering to address me first with a 'Good morning' or anything of the sort.  Not even a 'Hello'.  

"It's 7 o' clock on a Saturday morning and not only do you call me and wake me up, asking me to get up without even bothering to tell me a reason to, but you don't even bother to say 'Hello' or 'Good morning'!!  What kind of a person are you, you damn kitsune??"

By the time I'm finished lashing out on him, I'm already wide awake.

"You're very much awake," he remarks.  "now get up."

"Why? What's the special occasion?"

He's never even called me, let alone asked me to go out with him.  Especially at 7 o' clock on a Saturday morning.  This is sudden, even after what happened last night.  

Thinking of what he said last night throws me into deep thought.  I never knew that Rukawa would ever say those things.  I never knew he would ever think of me in that way.  It was … like a dream.

"No special occasion."

"Then what's the point of this?" I screech.  "It's 7 o' clock in the morning!  You would never wake up so early!"

"I want to see you, that's all."

At this point all the fire in me dies out.  He woke up this early … just because he wanted to see me? 

"… eh?  Nothing to say to that?" he asks, a hint of tease in his deep voice.

"Shut up." is the only reply I can manage.

"I'm outside."

"Nani?" I shout into the phone, springing up from my sitting position in alarm.

"I'm outside." he repeats.

"I heard what you said…" I grunt, instantly standing up and walking over to the window.

And there he is, dressed in a black trench coat, a phone in his hand, staring straight in my direction.

I freeze.

"Come on." he continues, a hint of a small smile playing on his lips.  "Get up."

"What's the big idea?" I question suspiciously.  "What are you trying to pull?"

"I told you – nothing.  I just want to see you."

I can't stand it when he says things like that.  I hate to admit it, but it's as if my heart melts then and there.

"Come on." he presses on, impatience escaping from his voice.

"I'll be a minute." I mumble, throwing the phone hurriedly into a corner.

I wipe the sleep out of my eyes, run a comb carelessly through my hair and throw on some trousers and a jacket.  I hate to admit it, but I'm looking forward to seeing him.  I blush subliminally at the thought, then catch myself blushing and start mentally yelling at myself for my girlish antics.

I step out of the house to find him crouching down on the ground, playing with the neighbour's cat.

"Ohayo." I mutter softly, feeling a little bit nervous.

He stands up upon hearing my greeting, walks towards me and takes my hand in his.

I don't know why I suddenly feel embarrassed.

"W-what are you doing?" I stutter, tearing my hand away, my cheeks heating up rapidly, much to my disapproval. 

"What do you mean what am I doing?" he responds, seemingly unaffected by my persistence.

Maybe he can read my mind somehow.

"Come on." he says, pulling me along quickly.

"Where are we going?" I ask him.

"For a walk."

The strings of autumn sakura drift past us, sometimes landing on our skin then getting brushed away by the wind.  I look over at Rukawa and catch him looking at me, then he grasps my hand tighter.

Is this bliss?  I never thought things would ever be like this.  Maybe this is a dream.

But I don't want to wake up yet.  If this is a dream, I never want to wake up.

"Did you mean what you said?" Rukawa suddenly asks, catching me completely by surprise.

"What?" I reply, although I know perfectly well what he's talking about.

"Did you mean what you said?  The day that I woke up – did you mean it when you said those things?"

I look away from his serious expression as embarrassment starts to creep up on me again – for reasons totally unknown to me.

"B-baka!" I try to shrug the question off, ignoring the flushing of me cheeks once again.  "Y-you know the answer to that question!"

There is an air of mischief in Rukawa's eyes.

 "Yes?" he suggests teasingly.

"U..Un…" I stammer.

"Then tell me again."

I jump back in shock.

"Baka!" I shout reluctantly. "Why do I have to do that?" 

Rukawa shakes his head with an air of resignation.  Now I know that he's just playing.

Though I haven't seen him playing before.

"If you meant it, then tell me again." he repeats tauntingly.

He sees me blush and I watch as he throws his head back in … laughter.

He's … laughing.  It's an entrancing sight.

It's as if I've fallen in love with him all over again.  I've fallen in love with this different form of Rukawa, this Rukawa who has thrown his cold, emotionless façade into the flames.

Does he know?  Does he know what spell he's cast on me?  Does he know that my heart skips a beat whenever I see him?  Does he know how much I yearn for him when he's away?  Does he know how much I want to share each and every moment of my life with him?  Does he know all this?

"I love you, Kaede." I whisper sincerely.  

There are so many things I want to say, but it's as if these three small words are more than enough.

He sees and hears the sincerity running through every single part of me, and stops laughing straight away, the mischief on his face replaced with a kind of lost bewilderment, as if he doesn't know how to act.

And then, all of a sudden, a tear trickles down his cheek. 

"Ai shiteru, Hanamichi." he chokes brokenly. 

For once his voice isn't still and calm.

This is bliss.  Being here with him, looking at him looking at me – this is heaven.  And even if I were to die now, I wouldn't have a care in the world, simply because he is here with me.  

No one said it would be easy.  There are more challenges to face, more obstacles to pass.  Haruko-san, the older generation, the doubts that we'll both be sure to have in the future – no one said it would be easy.  But we'll make it.  I know we will.  We'll make it together.

I bring my fingers up to his face to gently wipe his tears away.  

It's as if I've been living my whole life just for this moment.

"Yours is the last face I want to see…" I whisper in his ear, before our lips meet for a sweet kiss of unsaid promises.

**End**

Notes: YYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! ^_____^ *big smile* I've done it, my first fic!! *throws all her books and scrap paper into the air* Actually this feeling is great, I actually completed a story!!! ^.^ You have no idea how happy I am.. hehe..

I intended for this ending to be very *sweet*****… a happy ending I see…I'm beginning to favour happy endings nowadays – life is too sad to portray just as it is, if you know what I mean… I guess it leaves a lot unsaid though.. -_- But that's what the imagination's for! You guys can imagine it yourselves ^_~  [actually that's just my lazy excuse for not continuing the fic any further .. haha] Please please please send me reviews…!! I need to know how I did as a beginner.. heh.. ^_^

Did you know I practically stayed awake all night (morning) to do the last chapter?  o_o  Actually saying that wouldn't be completely accurate .. but I couldn't sleep at 3:00 in the morning because I had inspiration about how to end this fic … so I just had to wake up and finish it.. _ inspiration comes at such weird times, ne?  haha… I bet tomorrow my eyes will be panda eyes @_@ Okay … enough with the irrelevant ramblings…

I quite like the last chapter actually… ^_^ Finally there's a second chapter that I like! Heheheh.. the first time where while writing this fic, I've actually felt that I've done a good job in describing the way Sakuragi would think and what he would say… I think I've done Rukawa and Sakuragi justice with the last conversation, ne? haha.. the only part where I feel like I've portrayed a Sakuragi who isn't totally OOC.. ^.^ As promised, no hentai scenes.. ^_~ 

That's all I have to say at the moment.. I will write another fic, I think.. ^_^ Also a Ruhana one -_-" *hears hundreds of groans in the background* Sorry but it's the only thing I have ideas on.. -_-" But there are quite a great deal of Rukawa x Hanamichi fans out there, aren't there? ^_^ I'm glad there are…

*****Big sigh* ^.^ can't believe I actually completed my first fic.. *laughs and cracks knuckles*All those hours in front of the PC were actually worth it ^_^ Is this how it feels to be a fic writer? Hahah.. well it feels pretty good.. ^.^

Sorry for my droning on and on.. I better wind it up now..heh ^_^".. Reviews would be greatly appreciated.. ^_^ [I'm begging you ^_^"] Just e-mail me..!!

That's all I have to say.. ja for now and I hope soon I'll be here again, droning on in another fic ^_~ *winks*

Good luck to all fic writers out there..! ^_^

~Lanie~

12/8/2002


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